I realized today that it's been a long time since I derived any sort of real joy from something as simple and mundane as a smell in the air. I was walking downtown today, filing death certificates of course, and I was near the international district when, wham, I got this whiff of deep fried CHINA, sauteed VIETNAM, baked and broiled KOREA and it was fantastic! Suddenly, it's like all my senses just opened up their eyes (or ears, or what-have-you) and everything I saw or heard or smelled was a reminder of how great it was that I was here, and not under the ground somewhere. The smell of the food in the reletively clean air, the little crow with multi-colored wrist bands who followed me for about twenty feet on the sidewalk (do crows have wrists?), the hillclimb I forced myself to do by parking at the top of Yesler when there were obviously going to be spots much closer to the health department, the fact that I got excersize on the clock... that's great! How many people get paid to improve their own health? When I got back to the office, I immediately changed my desktop background. Some little snippet from an old X-files episode that came to me in those moments of clarity downtown. "Cerulean Blue is like a gentle breeze." How true is that, I thought. I did a google search and found this really calming wall-paper called "cerulean blue". I commited myself to having a better day, getting through til 5:00, with a smile. Aiming to please. And then throwing a party after it's all over!

Things can get to looking pretty shitty when you're luck has been poor for months and months. You start to expect it. But today (even if it's only for today) I made a concious effort to forget about my shitty job, forget about the bank account, forget about the fact that no matter how hard I try to plan some sort of get together, people won't fail to cancel at the last minute, forget about everything weighing down on mer, and just enjoy the smell of fresh chinese food. Enjoy a chat with a bum on the street. I can't seem to stress this to myself enough. I need to remind myself more often how little time we all have.